I am sending you my story (which is
far from over) not only in attempt to help others, but because I need to share
this, I need to be feel like I am being heard.
Let me start by saying that
I am Pro-Choice and that my decision (mine and my husbands) to have the
abortion was based largely on our financial situation, shaky relationship, and
the fact that we already have 2 children (one and extremely difficult toddler).
I was not prepared for how I would feel after ... I did not have time to do a
lot of research before I had the procedure performed, but a majority of it was
positive (pro choice articles of course).
When I began to approach my 2
month mark, my husband and I decided that it would be a horrible mistake to have
this child, it would ruin our marriage, our relationship with our existing children,
and put us into further financial distress. So I agreed. Over the course of that
weekend I tried to mentally prepare myself for the week to come and what I would
have to do and how I would handle it. I started by taking the ultrasound picture
off of the refrigerator, and all I could think of as I did this was "pour
little unloved baby your own parents do not even want you." It was only a
small black and white paper thin picture, but it is burned into my mind as is
the sound of the vacuum that sucked it out of my womb. What an agonizing next
couple of days I had I felt like a condemned prisoner, my husband wanted it done
as soon as possible so even though I had heard some rumors about the one clinic
in my home town I made the appointment anyway.
I went to the appointment,
it looked awful from the outside(not to mention all of the Pro Life signs along
the outside of the gates) never the less I went inside anyway. As we drove up
and parked outside I looked over at my husband hoping that he would say something
about the condition of the building but he said nothing. We went inside and we
were greeted by and extremely cheerful voice telling me hello and how was I doing
today, I felt like my knees were going to give out and that I would just fall
out onto the floor. I was asked to fill out my paper work, which I am surprised
anyone could read seeing as my hands were shaking terribly. Again I looked at
my husband, he just smiled, then again what did I expect him to say.
with my paper work, I was brought into the back for my blood work, pregnancy test,
to meet the Doctor (who barely spoke to me) and to watch a short video explaining
the procedure. When the video was over I was asked if I had any questions, well
sure I did, but the only thing I asked was about my recovery time and what I could
expect after the procedure. And of course I was reassured the recovery time was
minimal. As my husband and I left he asked what I thought of the clinic and the
Doctor, I said it was fine and that the Doctor seemed really professional and
concerned at putting my fears to rest. In short I lied, I hated the clinic, the
Doctor seemed like and asshole, he did not have a nurse on staff, he laughed at
my being frightened and at the questions that I had asked. Never the less I went
back 24 hours later for my abortion, it was not the simple procedure that I believed
it would be. The pain was not minimal it FUCKING HURT!!!
I was supposed
to be medicated 15 minutes to half and hour before the procedure to relax me and
to help with pain. I received my vistoril (lol) then ended up waiting and hour.
Then suddenly it was my turn, I left my husband in the waiting room and went into
the back. I undressed put on a gown and was led into the room, then left alone.
I sat there alone for at least 10 minutes, shaking, partly from the temperature
in the room, but mainly from fear. All I could do was sit there looking at the
vacuum and wondering how I would ever forgive myself. Then the Doctor and his
assistant came in first he numbed my cervix with Novocain, then began the abortion.
The assistant did hold my hand and talk to me the whole time, and I did really
well she said, but I will never forget that sound or how badly it hurt. After
it was over the Dr immediately left the room without a word to me, I guess to
dispose of everything, and I just laid there for a few minutes until I could sit
up. Then I was taken into the recovery room to sit with a heating pad on my aching
stomach, I was also given advil. Then I was handed a sheet with my recovery instructions
on it, prescriptions, and the emergency # of the clinic. 25 minutes later I was
on my way home having only spent 30 minutes in recovery.
The abortion was
on a Wednesday and I was told that by Friday I should be feeling much, much better
after all it is a very simple procedure. By Friday I was starting to feel worse,
by Saturday afternoon I could barely stand up, or urinate, and I had a fever.
My husband called the emergency # several urgent messages. He felt like I should
just go onto the hospital, but I would not go, I believed that I would be treated
unfairly and made to feel like a horrible person, part of this was due to the
fact that this Dr had made it a point to discourage any of his patients from going
to the ER for this exact reason, we were to contact him first. Well 7 hours later
he finally called me back and called in an antibiotic for my symptoms. I took
the medicine, rested, and followed all of my aftercare instructions for the rest
of the week. Then Friday night my fever was back and I was bleeding very heavily
and passing clots (big clots) again I called the clinic, this time my call was
returned faster (1 hour later). But this time he was very rude to me insisting
that I was to blame for the bleeding and my slow recovery however he did call
in another antibiotic and more metheragine for the bleeding. Eventually by Sunday
night I did begin to feel better physically.
Now having gotten passed the
physical recovery I am trying in vain to recovery emotionally it has been a month
and 10 days since the abortion, but for the past 2 weeks I have been in absolute
agony...Why didn't someone tell me that I would have nightmares, depression, anxiety
attacks, bouts of anger...I just was not prepared for this, for how I was going
to feel afterward. Of course I am guilt stricken for what I did, but on the other
hand deep down I know that I did not want another child, but was it just my hormones
that were making me feel so overwhelmed or was it knowing that my husband just
did not feel like we could handle or afford another baby, that it would make our
lives worse instead of enriching it. Did I do this for myself or for everyone
else??????? This is a question to keep me awake at night.
I never went
back to that clinic for my follow up appointment , I just couldnt when I
thought about having to drive through those gates again, see those signs, and
lay on that very same table, I would just start to shake inside and I would feel
like I couldn't breath... So I did not go and I have yet to see any GYN for a
follow up. How can I?? I just can't imagine how I could look my Dr in the eye
and tell him the truth, even though according to the law I did nothing wrong...
Its my own right as a women to chose abortion if that's what I want, but
I am still afraid, too ashamed. And what's worse is that I have by not going to
my follow up with the Dr who performed the abortion released him from any liability...
I'm angry, I should have received better treatment than that, I should
have been given the chance to choose the clinic that I felt the most comfortable
with. I am trying really hard not to blame my husband for that, maybe he just
really did not realize the impact that this was going to have on me and that I
should have had more time to find the right place. I do know that I do not want
to waste the next 10 years of my life and familys life in turmoil over this,
I want to get past this but I just know how.....I just want to encourage anyone
who is considering abortion (and their partners) to do a lot of research, and
talking with various clinics before deciding which one you feel the most comfortable
with. I did not write this with the intent to deter anyone from seeking an
abortion -- that is a personal choice, and I can't say that I even regret
Of course a part of me will always wonder about that child
and even at times wish that I still had her/he inside of me, but I can't lie and
say that I am not relieved that I am no longer pregnant. My rational side tells
me that I did nothing wrong, it was my choice, and I am not a bad person (or mother),
my irrational side will tell you something different. What I did wrong was allow
myself to feel pushed into having this done in a course of 3 days without time
to come to terms with it, or allowing a clinic to perform this procedure on me
when I did indeed have some major reservations about the clinic and the Dr. But
I will keep pushing ahead (even though all I want is to crawl into my bed and
never get out again). But I have a family and they love me and I love them very
much, and I have to get past this and I will ... Just being able to tell my story
has been a relief and if this helps anyone else going through the same turmoil
then I will gladly share it again and again.........Brandon
more stories -- share your story
= All women have the right to do what they want with their minds, bodies and souls,
without fear of any judgments of men or other women."