Becca's Story

I am twenty seven years old and have been in a relationship for going on two years. I got pregnant in January of this year. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared but excited. I believed that I should keep the baby although I knew the timing wasn't perfect. However, my family wasn't thrilled about the idea of my being pregnant so I decided to abort. I told my family that I had been mistaken and that I was not pregnant. My boyfriend was supportive and backed up whatever decision I arrived at.

My actual abortion experience is mostly a blank. I went to the clinic and looked around at all the other women and tried not to think about it. I went though the urine test, blood test, and ultrasound without a hitch. Once in the operating room I undressed and got on the table. The doctor made a brief appearance and I cried a little because reality was hitting me....but the nurse with the drugs soon arrived and I was soon asleep. I woke up prior to the procedure to the doctor trying to find my cervix (which is apparently atypically placed). The trauma of waking up was startling because I was afraid that I had actually woken up in the middle of the procedure. However, they put me back to sleep and the next thing I remember is sitting in a chair by the door and being told that my boyfriend was outside waiting for me. I wish I did have some memory, some tangible memory of the event....it seems wrong to have had the abortion but not to have been aware of having had the abortion.

I honestly thought, for the first day, that I was still pregnant. I wish now that I was.

For me abortion has caused me much despair. It has been a month and I am more devastated now than ever. I feel guilt, and anger, and apathy towards almost all aspects of my life. I am lucky to have a boyfriend who will hear me out and be my sounding board. I have no one else to talk to. He lets me say that I am angry at him for not having to have the abortion, for only having to sit in the waiting room while I had this baby ripped from my body, that I am scared that our relationship might not last because we made this decision together.

Last week I went for my follow-up appointment. I had sent in a comment card stating that I wish a note had been provided to me regarding the delay in my abortion (I was in the operation room for 2 hours due to the stubborn cervix) and the outcome. I also stated that in lieu of a note it would have been courteous to inform my boyfriend what was going on since he was the last one in the waiting room and so much time had gone by. The nurse was curt with me and pretty rude about my negative comments. The same nurse then pulled out an ultrasound to show me my atypical cervix. That ultrasound showed my 9 week fetus, complete with arms and legs, prior to the abortion. I am now unable to go more than three or four hours without having the image of that unknowing baby nestled within my uterus. That image will haunt me for a while.

I was nervous about the abortion. I assumed I would be a little sad and that there would be pain. But the physical pain was a non-issue. The pain that I feel now is emotional and seems to have no end. I am doubting so much about my life now. I doubt my relationship (but luckily have a wonderful boyfriend who understands and lets me voice those doubts without feeling threatened), I doubt my family who merely expressed displeasure over my being an un-wed mother (it would destroy them if they knew what I had done), I doubt my career, and I doubt myself. My world has turned upside down.

I wish more than anything that we had chosen to keep our child. Either way it wouldn't have been easy, but I think having that child was a decision I could have slept with a little easier at night. If I were to meet someone who was considering abortion I would tell them to really think about the decision. I would tell them that if they have doubts....even at the very last minute....to change their mind. I can't imagine someone having this done and not feeling despair at some point. It is not as easy as they make it sound. It is hard....maybe even harder than having a child. I was pro-choice my entire adult life. Technically, I still am. But I am angry that this decision was so easy for me to make. I am angry that my abortion clinic gave me a comment card similar to one you get at the Marriott and then was rude to me because I didn't have glowing things to say about my experience. I am angry at myself for having been so weak.

Becca
27 March 2003