Beatrice's Story

Let me start by saying that I've never even considered an abortion.  The first time I was pregnant, I was 14 and on the Depo shot.  I had no idea that I was pregnant, and since I was on the shot, my doctor thought I must have stomach cancer because I was so sick. 

Then I was in a bad accident and when I went to the emergency room, I found out I was pregnant.  My mom was with me and I cried and cried about it, then she told me I needed to straighten up and be a woman because I was going to be a mom.  So then I had an ultrasound and found out I was pregnant with twins.  Even though I was only 14, and I was pregnant with twins, I thought there must be some way to do it, my mom was really supportive, and so was the father.  Then I went to my O.B and found out that they had died as a result of the accident.  I was so sad, I didn't think I could go on.  I wouldn't have a miscarriage though, so I had a D&C. 

Then, when I was 16, I found out I was pregnant again, this time I was ready, and really happy.  It may sound silly that a 16 year old was ready, but I was. I knew I wanted to be a mom after I lost the twins.  And I had been with the dad for over 3 years.  So I had the baby, a beautiful little boy that's 2 and a half now.  I was alone the whole time I was pregnant with him, and I've raised him all by myself, and I think I've done a damn good job. 

Then I got pregnant again by another man before my 18th birthday, and of course I was going to have it  All was going well, but when I went for a regular check up I found out it had died.  Just died.  I was 4 months pregnant then.  I had another D&C.  Since then, nothing.  Till last month. 

What can I say, I'm not perfect.  I slept with a couple of people within a weeks time, none of them good men, and I found out I was pregnant again.  I'm 19 and this is my 4th pregnancy.  I'm engaged to a wonderful man, and he's a really good dad to my son, but the baby isn't his.  I had to tell him, he was getting so excited.  I have no excuses.  Maybe I'm just a bad person.  But I just can't have this baby.  I don't know who the father is, and I can't possibly ask my fiance to raise another child that isn't his.  I don't think I would love the baby, not as much as my son, anyhow.  So I've decided to have an abortion, and I'm so scared.  Will it hurt really bad?  Will I get really depressed after and not be able to deal with it?  I just don't know.  I guess I'll find out in 12 days.  Thanks for listening, maybe this will help someone else, I hope I'm not alone.

March 2007

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