Barbara's Story

Well, it has been over 5 years since I had my abortion and the pain and the emptiness is still there. You see I was married and had two children already, but at the time my marriage was not all that good.

When I first found out about the baby I was so excited and I even started picking names and calculating the due date. I loved my baby but when I told my husband he was so against having this child and he wanted me to have an abortion.

I am a God fearing woman and I know that having an abortion was wrong. In order to convince myself it was all right I promised God that I would leave my husband after the abortion and start a better life for the two children I already had. I was doing it for my unborn baby. I shut down emotionally and physically. It was like I was a different person.

I can remember going to the clinic and paying my money. I sat there in a room waiting for my turn. I was only 5 weeks pregnant I kept telling myself. It is okay....My husband came with me and waited in the room, but when my name was called I went back there alone. I made the choice, I let them take my baby. I can remember that no one really spoke to me they just did what they were there to do.

Immediately after the procedure I was taken to a small room with several beds close together. There lay several woman who had just had the same procedures performed. I can remember wanting to get the hell out of there because everyone was crying. There was no one in there to console any of us. We were just another number in their daily routine. My baby would have been born in April of 94. I remember that day because my brother also has a child the same exact age as mine would have been.

I am still with my husband and I still have two very beautiful children. We have our share of problems but we are a family. My heart still aches for the child I gave away 5 years ago. But I know in my heart that God has forgiven me and that he will always be there for me. He is my Rock and my shelter whenever I am thinking of my unborn child. I get peace form knowing that my baby is in heaven and that he has forgiven me for not having him and I look forward to the days in heaven when I can see my baby and hold him and tell him just how much I loved and wanted him.

The pain never goes away but the healing can start once you can forgive yourself.

Barbara
3 February 1999