I had just started university, and
I was still in awe of my new life and my newfound freedom.
At the end of
October, I realized that I really liked the guy who lived down the hall from me,
and he told me that he liked me too. I was ecstatic, and we started having sex
right away. I didn't suspect anything until my 19th birthday - my two best friends
took me out for lunch, and I all of a sudden felt really sick and thought I was
going to throw up. My period was late, but it did that sometimes anyway, so I
didn't think much of it. After another week or so, I decided to get a blood test
at a clinic, to "rule out" pregnancy.
When I called back a couple
days later, the doctor at the clinic said it was definitely positive. I hung up
the phone and cried for hours. My two best friends were there with me when I called,
and they knew right away by my face. I had no idea what to do, where to go, but
I knew that I had to have an abortion. As much as I love children, this was not
the time for me to have a child. I was in my first year of university, with so
many plans and dreams, and no money at all to raise a child with.
had no money either, and neither did either of our parents. He was really upset,
and didn't want me to have an abortion at first. We talked a lot about it though,
and we decided that it was the right thing. I think it hit him harder than me,
since his parents were 19 when they had him.
I went to one clinic, and
the doctor there referred me to a women's health clinic that would help me set
up an abortion. They were so nice and friendly there, which helped me. One of
my biggest fears was people looking down on me, and thinking that I was a horrible
person for doing this. There was nothing else I could do though, and I knew that
it was the right decision.
I found out that I was pregnant in December,
so I must have gotten pregnant right when we started having sex. The clinic scheduled
an ultrasound for me, and it was during our Christmas break. I didn't want to
have to tell my parents, but I had too because I had to get to my ultrasound.
I couldn't wait any longer, or it would be too late. On Jan 4th I had my ultrasound,
and I didn't look at the screen because I didn't want to see it. I didn't want
to acknowledge that it was a baby in me, I just pretended it was a thing, a blob.
My mom lost it when I told her, she was so upset. I think that she wanted
me to keep it, but she knew I had to have an abortion. My dad was supportive though,
and I think he was glad that I was having an abortion.
I had my abortion
on Jan 16th. I was back at school from Christmas break, and this was the first
Saturday that I was back. My boyfriend and his friend drove me there, and once
we found out I would be there for a few hours, they left and said they'd come
back to get me. This was fine with me, because it was more my decision than his
to have this abortion, and I didn't want to make him stay with me if he didn't
I first went into a prep room, where I put on the hospital gown
and all that. Then I went in the waiting room thing, and sat on a hospital bed
waiting for my turn. I was trying so hard not to cry, but all I could notice was
that every other woman in the room had someone with them except for me. I had
never felt so alone in my entire life. I can hardly see the screen right now I'm
crying so much, just reliving that day.
When I went in, they gave me gas
so that I was light headed and Canada felt like I wasn't there. A nurse sat beside
me and held my hand and talked to me the whole time, and I didn't really feel
anything. After it was done, I went to the same waiting room again. I just dozed
on and off, waiting for the drugs to wear off, and then I got dressed and was
allowed to leave. My boyfriend and his friend were back to get me, and we went
back to residence at school. I never had much pain after, just like normal cramps
Emotionally, I just tried to block everything out. I just tried
to act like I didn't care at all, that it didn't upset me, because it was just
a "thing". I think I feel more pain now than I did then. My due date
was July 26, which is in a couple weeks. I still cry almost every night when I
think about it, and I wonder if I did the right thing. It was so hard for me to
do, because I love kids so much and want to have a family in the near future.
My boyfriend has been really supportive through it all, and we have an amazing
After my abortion I was really depressed for about 6
weeks, because I was dealing with the feelings of having an abortion, and my two
best friends who were there for me earlier had suddenly ditched me. If my boyfriend
wasn't there for me then, I don't know what I would have done. I'm scared to think
of what I might have done.
Now I have moved on in my life, but I still
have so much sadness from this. I think I always will, especially until I am ready
to have children. And when I see babies and small children, it's all I can do
not to burst out in tears. My boyfriend never did tell his mom, cause she would
have been really upset and mad I think. My mom and I get along good still, but
there will always be that tension there.
I guess I just needed to say all
this, because I found your site and started reading the stories, and I have been
sitting here bawling for 3 hours reading them. Things will never be the same in
my life, but it was so nice to read that other people have gone through it too,
and that my feelings aren't alone.
for giving me the space to write this.
11 July 1999
more stories -- share your story
most in-depth analysis ever conducted of how Americans feel about sexuality education
for young people reveals an unprecedented support, according to Advocates for
Youth and the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States
(SIECUS). 93% of all Americans support teaching sexuality
education in high schools, while 84% support sexuality education in middle/junior
high schools. (June 2, 1999)