Alexandra's Story
"The mess I made for myself"

I never thought I would be writing about my little experience .... but today of all days I can't take it anymore ... there isn't a friend around I can tell and the father specifically said he couldn't offer any moral or emotional support he said he was just too scared and frightened

My story isn't that different ... however to me, these past two months have been the worst I have ever lived . It started about two months and a half ago ... We liked each other but he had just gotten out of a nasty relationship but he just couldn't get over her yet ...so we were on and off for a while ... until my birthday ... after the party he came over to my place and said he needed to talk ...what was wrong I didn't know and I don't want to remember ... we were both buzzing and we started to fool around ...

I said no a million times ... I tried to stop him and myself but the next thing I knew he said 'I can't take it anymore' and I wasn't a virgin anymore ... I never saw any need to have birth control handy before because I wasn't planning on having sex anytime soon ...not until I was sure I was ready ... and well he didn't have a condom either and honest to god I never saw it coming... I remember hearing myself begging him to stop because it hurt so much and I knew I wasn't ready ....

After that ... he acted awkwardly around me and I can honestly say I was a one night stand to him and what's more I was the rebound he needed ... ahh well I tried to cope my best with that but no matter how much I tried to understand I couldn't understand how a friend could do something like that to me .... I blamed myself for a long time trying to figure out where I went wrong ... I couldn't find any answers ...

About 3 weeks later I missed my first period I didn't think much of it because my cycle never had been straight ... always never showing up for a month or so ... u know how it is ... of course the possibility of me being pregnant did cross my mind but I just put it aside I was too busy feeling like a load of shit after that one night ... being rejected isn't the easiest thing to deal with and feeling like u were used by someone u cared for so much hurts like hell ... till this day I am not completely over it, I don't think I ever will be ...

The second month came and well a week before my cycle was due I started having morning sickness ... dizziness and I didn't feel well at all ... half the time I couldn't stand up, I was just so tired ... anything I ate made me sick and I spent 3 quarters of the day in bed ... depression had a lot to do with it as well ... I waited and I waited hoping I would see something. For the first time in my life I wasn't dreading waiting for my period but it never showed up ...

I decided not to tell him but I told a friend of ours and made him promise that he wouldn't tell the lucky father ... and well things were so awkward between the two of us that we from out of nowhere got into a fight and in the end I said I wish u would just leave me alone and in a moment of anger and resentment I told him that I was late ... he didn't believe me thinking I was trying to sew up his life for him or lay a trap for him ... he swore at me and told me I wish I could tape what you were saying just so when I drag u to the clinic tomorrow and u prove to be the liar u are I can replay it ... I lost my top and told him to get out of my life, it didn't do any good he just came back in an hour at 4 am in the morning with a home test and I confirmed it for him ... he tried his best he said to be around for me, he wasn't, he was too busy caring for the other sick girls in residence ...

The next thing u know we go to the clinic, I have a test done and I get the results back the next day and I told him that I wasn't pregnant when I really was .... having him around me only made me feel worse it wasn't enough I couldn't tell my mom and that there wasn't a soul on this earth I could talk to about this without feeling so guilty ... he found out that I was and we fought again and I told him that it wasn't any of his business and I would take care of things the way I see best ... the idea of an abortion scared me but the idea of having a child scared me even more ... and I wasn't about to go into something like that ...

I was 10 weeks pregnant yesterday at 10 am ... an hour later I wasn't anymore ... it wasn't like I imagined it would be ... the staff was helpful but no matter what they did or no matter what anyone did I couldn't get rid of this empty feeling in my stomach it was like a part of me was ripped out ... I haven't slept since that, and I can't imagine what that soul would say to me one day if I ever died and went up there and saw that poor child ... but what can I do ...

I had a choice but not much of a choice that is ... I was forced to bear with this situation on my own and the father wasn't there ... I guess I am not the only woman to go through something like this ...but god, it is misery and agony ... I hope that no one has to go through this at all ... I know its an empty wish but I hope and pray that god forgives me ...

I am really thankful that I could share my story with u ... I am grateful for finding this site ... I don't feel a that much better but knowing that I am not alone makes it easier ...

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